As difficult as it is to be addicted to alcohol or drugs, it can be just as difficult — if not more so — to be in a relationship with a person who is addicted to alcohol or drugs. Regardless of whether it’s a family member or friend, you suffer along with them in so many ways. It’s painful to watch them sink deeper into their addiction, but when it affects aspects of your life such as whether you and your children have a safe place to live, the pain becomes almost unbearable. But you may not be ready to give up. So how do you cope?
Realize You Can’t Fix the Problem
One of the most important things to remember when dealing with a friend or family member who is addicted to drugs or alcohol is that you can’t help them break free from their addiction. When you’re entrenched in a codependent relationship, it can feel like you’re the only thing keeping your loved one from certain disaster. You may call in sick to work for them, pay their bills, throw away drugs or alcohol you find hidden among their things, lend them money or your car, or do one of a thousand other things you think will help them.
They may tell you that if you don’t help them, it will be your fault they got fired or thrown out of their home, or you may come to the same conclusion on your own, but we can assure you that any consequences they suffer will be due to their own behavior and not yours. In fact, constantly checking up on and “helping” a person addicted to drugs or alcohol can actually delay their recovery. Many times, people have to hit bottom before they realize it’s time to seek help at a residential rehab facility, and if you are constantly pulling them up, they’ll never get there. They need to take that step on their own. Accept that their battle is not yours to fight and that taking on that job for them can destroy your mental and physical health.
Get Help
Whether it’s going to Al-Anon (or Nar-Anon), committing to some sessions with a therapist or simply chatting with a friend, getting help is crucial.
So often when we are in relationships with someone addicted to drugs or alcohol, we feel fear or shame (as they do). This pushes us to hide the truth from others. We don’t want people to know how bad things are. They might think poorly of the person who is addicted, or they might think we are foolish for continuing to stay in a relationship with them. Indeed, if your friends push you to take action you are not ready to take, they aren’t truly helping (unless your safety is at risk).
You may not want to confide in a friend, but talking about your problems with someone else can be an enormous relief. If you do not presently have anyone in your life that you trust, seek the counsel of a clergy person or therapist.
Ongoing sessions with a therapist who has a background in addiction counseling can be tremendously helpful to you. They can help you avoid the most common mistakes people make when they are in relationships with people who are addicted to drugs or alcohol, such as believing the same lies over and over again, trusting them with your money or other valuables, counting on them for anything or thinking that they have truly changed without any evidence that this is true.
Waitlists for qualified therapists can be long, so it’s best to get your name in with a few as soon as possible. We understand that you often think that maybe things aren’t that bad and soon they will get better, and we hope that is true, but in case it’s not, it’s a good idea to be prepared.
In the meantime, attending a support group can help shore you up and get you through some difficult times. Hearing the stories of others will bring you the comfort of knowing you are not alone in your struggles, and that you are not to blame for your loved one’s addiction. Sometimes it can be difficult or feel scary to go to a support group meeting, but many of these groups are online now, and you don’t have to give your name, show your face or even leave your home to get the benefits of attending.
Take Care of Yourself
Something that can help a great deal with a wide variety of different issues is turning away from the problem and toward yourself. Experts frequently boil this down to putting effort into eating healthy foods, getting exercise, going outdoors, getting enough sleep (but not too much), participating in social events and taking part in activities you enjoy.
Moving your focus away from a sad issue that you cannot resolve and pivoting toward improving your own health and wellness can only help. At first it might seem odd or even wrong to go to a movie with a friend and temporarily forget your loved one’s struggles. But that’s a delusion — worrying about someone else’s problems provides absolutely no benefit to them or you. At first, you can think of outings or distractions as respite, the idea being you can return to worrying when the event is over. But hopefully, you will become more comfortable with paying attention to your own life and spend more time doing just that.
Residential Rehab in Alpine, Utah
Here at Alpine Recovery Lodge, we have worked with hundreds of people addicted to drugs and alcohol and their families. In fact, marriage counseling and family therapy are integral to our program. Once someone is ready to get clean and enters residential rehab, part of the recovery process involves rebuilding trust with loved ones, whether they are spouses, children, parents or other family members. With time and effort, forgiveness can happen, and bonds between loved ones can be made strong again.
In the meantime, don’t just wait for your loved one to take this step — go out and live your life to its fullest. Living is the best coping mechanism there is.
Alpine Recovery Lodge
